Over time I have realized that the overall attractiveness of men can be measured in three major categories: Physical Appearance, Sense of Humor, and Wealth. Over the last 3 months, I have lost nearly 40 lbs and I am continuing to lose. However, the statistician/human performance expert in me started looking deeper at how weight loss would affect my life. Therefore, I have put together a Pass/Fail assessment on how weight loss could possibly affect my attractiveness.
I understand that the more weight I lose the better I will look and feel. But let’s be honest, as I near 40 I am probably never going to be able to achieve those six pack abs that were so elusive even when I was at the peak of my athletic prowess.
The more weight I gained the less Physically Attractive I perceived myself to be:
Since I have been dieting, the more weight I lose, the more attractive I perceive myself to be:
Physical Appearance Score: Pass
Sense of Humor:
Admittedly, I think I am very funny and I can reasonably assume that nearly everyone I encounter agrees. However, I am hungry. And as most people know, hungry people get cranky and cranky people are not funny.
The more weight I lose, the crankier I get:
The crankier I get, the worse my sense of humor is:
Sense of Humor Score: Fail
Over the past 12 years I have noticed that the more weight I gain, the higher my salary.
Therefore, I must come to the conclusion that if I continue to lose weight, I will start to lose money as well.
Wealth Score: Fail
Based on the scores alone it is obvious to me that, although I may be more attractive physically, losing weight is going to have a negative overall effect on my attractiveness. In conclusion, even though I want to be skinny and ripped, I must quit my diet in order to stay funny and get rich.
Disclaimer: This is purely a satirical piece. As a stats guy, I realize that correlation does not equate to causation. However, it does make me feel better about the amount of Christmas Cookies I have been eating.
The Common Sensei